I HAD THAT SICK FEELING IN THE PIT OF MY STOMACH
I called my sister to come pick me up.
As we were going through the drive through I looked down and noticed that my bikini bottoms were on backwards.
I felt sick.
Not just from the alcohol and the possibility of my drink being spiked.
Sick because I couldn't remember what happened.
I had that icky feeling of guilt in the pit of my stomach.
That feeling that I'd done something wrong.
I vaguely remembered not getting along with some of the other girls that were on board.
And I remember feeling so misunderstood.
So much for a relaxing afternoon on the water.
I vaguely remembered having sex.
But I’m not sure it was consensual.
I vaguely remembered kissing another woman in a hot tub.
But the rest is a blur.
Actually, it's all a blur.
And to this day I still don't know what's real and what's not.
I carried the guilt and shame of feeling like a 'slut' for such a long time.
I felt violated.
I was embarrassed that I was told I was never welcome in that space again.
And I never knew if it was because of them or if it was because of me.
I felt misunderstood.
I was upset that no matter how hard I tried to remember what happened I just couldn't.
I was disappointed that the person I trusted that day didn't have my back.
That I didn’t have my OWN back.
And when I reflect back now, years later, with a healed heart and no judgement, I realise something.
This girl was hurting.
She was lost.
Looking for love in all the wrong places.
She was quick to give her power away.
Quick to settle for second best.
And self-love wasn't even in her vocabulary.
I judged her more than I've ever judged anything or anyone else in my life.
Fast forward to now and I barely remember the woman I was back then.
Years of diving deep in to my own personal development since then, peeling back the layers, owning my shit and going unwaveringly deep in to the vastness of my soul has led me to where I am today.
It took me a lot of years to be ok with ME.
To stop beating myself up.
To stop feeling like I was unworthy.
To let go of the guilt.
I now know that I was doing the best that I could.
I now know how to deal with my pain.
I now know my worth.
I now love myself unconditionally.
I now no longer seek outside of myself for love.
I now choose to never settle for second best.
I now choose to never give my power away.
And my self-love is off the richter scale.
We all fight our own inner battle and beat ourselves up for things that we have done.
We are our own worst critics.
And we are so quick to judge.
Others AND ourselves.
Learning to become our own best friend is so much more rewarding than the pain we often put ourselves through.
Remember to be kind to yourself amazing soul.
You are so much more than your past actions and decisions xx
I see you!
Big love always